Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Scroll (part six of nine)

One day in 1996 in Glasgow I wrote on the back of a Michelob Beer poster. I decided to fill it up from top to bottom with spontanaeous writing.
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'Now as far as I can see Mister Hayes you have never worked in an office before; your only previous employment being that of a petrol pump attendant. Tell me what qualities you possess that would help you assimilate, stimulate and propagate excellent efficient team management profit coordination in this open plan, open mind, hitech modern office bio-neon environment.'
'I give good head. No sorry that was just um sorry slip of the tongue whoops sorry there I go again. Sorry I'm making a mess I'm all over the place Oh Jesus can I start from scratch?'
'Certainly Mister Hayes. Your qualities if you remember?'
'Yes qualities now. I can tease children just to the point where they don't quite cry and tell their mums.'
'Good, good ... and?'
'Er ... when I play football I spit. I'm a very good spitter. 45 degree angle good volume fast direct spit you know what I mean? ... anyway qualities, right, here I know I can beat people without leaving bruises, I tan without burning first, I love bitching backstabbing ganging up on people, kicking them when they're down; I feel that if you need underbrained yes-men with a mean streak who will follow management like the pied piper without any concern for the service provided or the conditions of the other staff, many who have had long dedicated careers before the new efficiency drive was instigated and new bosses brought in, then I am your man.'
'Excellent Mister Hayes. You don't seem to have a shred of common decency to your name. Finally, do you have any real friends who are so close that no matter what the pressure you would stand by and defend them to the end?'
'No.'
'Fine, now if you'd just like to step round to my side of the desk ... that's it now kneel down and prove your quality.'
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2 comments:

David said...

I think Mr Hayes would fit well into Big Brother...

dweller said...

You're not wrong David, not that I've ever watched Big Brother of course (cough). Thanks for reading.