Guten Abend

Deine Fuhrer hier.
Was ist los?
Nur ein Bissen.
Got sei dank fur dat.

Yes you see I have a see saw.
A break wind cursor streak.
Jugular Tyburn clank.
An enormity of Ursulas.
Minor freak wit.
Labial tides of green ooze from the plug sockets.
(and that bit is real)

Glass in hand , turning your cheeks.
Mable is that you Mable?
Tawny brain time.
I drank some mint tea with honey again.
Hopefully we won't all get murdered by random
rogue electrons. But the vibrations are heightening.
No Haight Ashbury San Francisco Ribbon Girls here,
no matter how many late 60s obscurities I download
onto my ArgosPod.

I have fungi and butterflies by my side
thanks to The Guardian. Covers a dreary wardrobe.
Fancy a bit of Russula violeipes anyone?

There is a vicar on a rooftop in camden,
he's up there for ten days and shitting in a bucket,
I kid you not. I read his diary in the Camden New Journal.
As well as raising money for roof repairs he is getting a good
perspective on the scummy nightlife of those sticky vomit piss and blood drenched paves. Read his diary here
a night on the tiles

A BBC lipreading expert read the lips of the Italian player
who Zidane Billy-Butted. They reckon he said he hoped Zidane's family died a horrible death. At the moment ZZ's mum is quite ill.
Bit close to home.
Take that!

Gadzooks

Did I go somewhere?
Did something happen?

I screen name is my privacy/ ok / allowed / unfair

Justice is Might

JIM

My Jim / Jism

Clangers in bang lids shocker

golly

by

James Dean was a twat

I'll slick it
will you?

Girls On Film

GOFOG

or the guts explode

the stomach acid is rising
the raw aesophagal tract is
burning just for you my
dainty lover
my sweet drooping flower
petal
knockers
crack
round things
hair
eyes
hair is good
but not too much
twiddlesticks
fiddlers and bows
again and again
so much sunlight at dawns crack
but the gut with pizza clogs
the neckfull
the dry and full the arms free
index fingers outstreched like body antenna
lined up the shoulder in
perfect symmetry the spine and head
these empty arms
in the centre my digestive tract
eat it all up
in a rush
index fingers feel more they are
picking up the pipes of peace
they register
they aim to feed but the mouth is clumsy
it is the devourer
we don't photosynthesize
nor do we reproduce in the conventional monkey way

so what gives?
nothing
no morning milk bottles
no sir sireeee
consume it crap it
baby are you one?
you can't always get the twonk

the golden turd awaits
I love you my darling
these arms of mine

Not Dead Yet

No still here,
Ol Wispy.
In the sun where life is much much worse,
and I'm still hungry.

Ta da!!!

That was the rabbit out of hat.
But you couldn't see.
I'm good at tricks.
Sawing women in half.
Stopping people from talking in their tracks.
Various twisted subliminal tricks I get away
with with a big smile and the fact I rarely realise
that I am doing them.
It's the devil I tells ya.
Jesus and the Deal.
That's who we are dealing with.
The eternal internal fisticuffs tween
Good Choir Boys ANd fILTHY mC tWIST pRIESTS

Knowing this and that deceit is
part of the Desmond Morris school of completely
normal human behaviour.
We musn't feel guilty about our tricksy selfinterested
movments.
Cause those smiles and winks and hugs do do
some good even though we are but devils in disguise.

Panic Attack

lie down on the pavement
and clutch your chest,
DIE DIE DIE,
drink die smoke die
death comes soon
PANIC hah aha haha ha a
PANIC
PANIC woo whwooo woooo
PANIC

that's it really,

just y'know smoke another
pure superskunk amsterdam spliff,
you'll feel much better hah ahh ahh ahha
your throat is constricting, you cannot breathe
you throat has tightened ,,
no more air
no ..... more...... air ggraggahhshhgh choke choke
retch retch,
now you have shrunk to the size of a pinhead in
the corner of the room the whole universe is weighing in on you

everyone notices that you are fucked
they tell each other
" he is totally fucked man, what should we do?"
"ah he'll be okay, get him a can of coke"

some more recent reads

books I've started,
but may not have finished
in no particular order

Click on my face and tell me that you love me

Masochistic tendencies?
See if people like clicking all over YOUR face.

I don't expect to survive long,
I think the cleavage shots have the upper hand...

Wine flowed in a canal again

I got satan's pillow under my ass
I held a candle to Clarissa's eye
I undervarnished the clove bar.
I jackled with rangling flissarns in kleptovelt.
I cycled freearm in nordic telescope range
I heard french wedding bells echo underground
I opened gleaming hardshells slime slipping at the rockpool
I juiced a nectar berry at the sunrise festival
I gathered young standin Elvises sweating with nerves
I lunched with a bearhug giver in the palladium cafe
I collapsed the card house at osinac
I rowed the galleon and nursed the brute's whip scars
I ordered seven courses of lemming pie
I smashed pantalooon circus helmets with an appreciative giggle
Wine flowed in a canal again.

Yacht Rock (ok so it's a bandwagon)

I must spread the word of this very very funny
internet-based series of videos.

See Kenny Loggins, Michael McDonald, Toto, Hall and Oates
and more as you never imagined before.
Laugh your head off as the history of the smoothest music
ever put to tape is lovingly revealed.

If you're a bit of a dumbass, remember to start with episode
one at the bottom of the page

Yacht Rock at Channel 101

say these phrases out loud and change your life

Here is the deal.
I want YOU, dear reader, to choose one or more of these
phrases writ here below.
I want you to go out and drop one of them into
a conversation or just blurt it out randomly
in the bus queue or wherever.
Try to add a little expresiveness when you say it.
Why, you may ask, should I want to do a daft thing like that?
Well, I would reply, because it could crack a hole in the mundane
shell and allow Blakean reveries safe passage into our realm
where they can practice great Karmic magic, help to raise
conciousness of our higher purpose , that being
to feed our collective godhead through sublime fits of ecstatic hysteria.
This is the antidote to war.
Come on do it!!
You might have fun too ;-)

1. I couldn't give a nun's crispy cunt what you think.

2. I'd rather eat a wet sandwich.

3. Would you like to see my collection of butchers hooks?

4. I'd trot a pony up Highbury Fields for ha'penny.

5. We sent blind Alf Hang-gliding.

6. Twenny kilo of copper bolts for the pressure cooker please luv.

7. Howz about a drizzling o' hot suet in yer furry leotard?

8. I'd swap a dozen hairlip albinos for a cucumber.

9. I'd slide a fiver through the gates of Timbuktu for that.

Def Jam

Def Jam,

Here is my Rap I am writing on the spot,
Universal lines spreading from the one dot,
Clean out your cupboards lads I can't stand the grot,
If you turn around I find your hips quite hot,
Or do you have the shapely thighs your mother lent you
Do you have the laddered tights your aunty dreamt you
Do you have the bits of apple clinging to your teeth
Do you have an old marks and sparks voucher from 1981
In your mother's leather purse in that tray of old papers,
Smells of stale consulate and solicitors office dust,
Claim I never knew whats happening
Claim I never knew whats happening,
Dirty dirty filth slag hate bitch whine,
Your arse their cunt all in the passage of time,.

I remember the days of Earth Wind and Fire,
Nasty gold costumes and the music was so dire,
But even then the clogs of kellogs boxes in the bins,
Read the back and listen to Wogan mornings of hidden sin,
The throat is quiet words are notably absent,
All the lies are stacking up and telepathy gates are opened,
A child has an eye to replace the ears that cannot comprehend,
But now this child he has no eye for it let far too much in,
Switch out the sun what do you expect a pleasant dawning?
Get real ya monkeys,
its a crackerjack cabbage in your hands forever!!!!!!!

26 miles in a high speed wheelchair

I just met this guy Shaho Qadir at work today.
His is an amazing story.
He had his legs blown off after a chemical attack by Saddam Hussein's forces in Kurdish Iraq when he was 13 years old.
Later on he managed to escape his troubled homeland and
made it to the UK in the back of a truck.

He has worked with disabled children,
as a volunteer mentor for a blind refugee and
he has raced in the London marathon in his wheelchair.
He is training to race this April in both the Paris and London
marathons.

Read more about his story here

watch a video of him in action here

His latest ambition is to work to develop British Disability Gymnastics, helping to build it into
a sport that could eventually be accepted in the paralympic games.

Good Luck Shaho!!!

fun fun fun on the autobahn

so little chiclets,
pieces of gum,
hands on the tum,
expand and contracts,
wave and swerve,
bang your chi gong,
splash the toilet bowl,
and ring its chiming chinese porcelain neck,

lyon barcelona auf der autobahn

ga gag agag budapest hamburg

autobahn autobahn

ba ba ba ba ba ba abba ba aba bba
tra lal atra latrat later

take the turkey train next the line is straight,
fill the lake fill it up,
where the tiny pieces of rainbow coloured mosaic,
lie beneath the drowned land ,
take the turkey train train train,
hold the hose,
let the water out and washing away the silty sand,
the pictures appear, in colours all rainbow colours,
move the hose around , here they come the shining
bright floors of yore,
now go goodbye, pack up your home,
this hosing cleanse has become a dangerous flood,
take the turkey train,
your home just died, pack it up in your little bag,
and get on the train....

Venturer 40GB bargain iPod killer

I didn't want to pay for an overpriced iPod,
but I needed a high storage capacity mp3 player.
Trust Argos to come to the rescue.
It may be as ugly as sin, but this baby set me back
£89 for 40GB of memory.
Plug it into USB and you see a removable harddisk,
drag and drop files as you will.
Okay so it doesn't have a good playlist facility and
its functionality is basic. Sometimes it skips past certain tracks and there is the odd bug or two.
But it didn't cost much,
it fits in my pocket, just about, and I don't have to look
like an iPod sheep on the bus.
So there we go.
Take my advice, if you are not fussy, go and get one.
They're great.

Venturer 40GB mp3 player.
Available from Argos. £89.00

Big Up Ye Turnips

Yah Yah Yah
Woo Ha
Woo Ha
Yah Yah yAH

Sniff me and pass out.

Stiff Stiff Stiff in the wind
I'm Stiff Stiff in the wind
I'm Raw , I'm Raw, can you feel my Raw?

Well actually, Mr Digby, I'm not quite sure what you're getting at.
Would you like another French Fancy?

Ah tash and darn and crimple it MaryBethJoAnn Juniper benchpress
turtle polish wood enamel fridge.
I wanna BEIGE you up.
Father Brown I'm in love with your toga,
yeah the one that you wear in the windmill.
Course she always said that I'd be the lucky one.
The old luck always shone on me.,
Like blessings from a duck
golden nuggets of luck plopping in my
garden pond, growing a tail, legs and arms
whoops there it goes just jumped off that lily leaf.
Catch the pidgeon Giles, there may be a message strapped to
its leg.
Now where was eye, thats right , pancake mixture,
just get some old popeye paste, you know kneed in some of
the old Olive Oyle, ooooo errrrr ooooooo eerrrrrrr
thats yr basic pancake batter sorted ,
then to add the mixture, scratch those bits of flakes
out of yr eyelashes, these are made out of mindreading
eyelash mite droppings. Completely harmless, but full of
protein and quite tasty when fried.
so the pasty paste is mixed up and oh sod it
I made it all up. I dunno how to make pancakes.
Give me a turnip and I'll carve a shit face into it.
That's as much as I can do.
What you have Pumpkins at Halloween?
We use turnips mate, yeah , you fuckin ponce,
little turnips are what you need.
Much spookier and all.

the continental cafe

the continental cafe
Get a coffee, a soft drink, some food.
Cigarettes out
Quiet boys mope on a table of their own
Why are you reading a newspaper?
It's too early to absorb boring news.
Some Soft Metal fan had stuck several pounds in the jukebox.
LIVING MARXISM Why IS politics so boring?
I'm tired I need another coffee
Go on mate roll yourself a fag
It looks really good
The Food Factory in red neon
What a crap roll up
May he forever swallow tobbacco
I wish I was that bloke next to me
Asleep in his folded arms.
Why is he sleeping?
Did he have a late night?
Or does that Daily Express laid out neatly before him hold the
answer?
KLF now playing
Long haired guy with leather jacket is doing the nervous knee tap.
These Scots don't tan very well,
They've had 4 consecutive days of sun.
I have to leave soon.
The clouds of smoke are irritating my nose.
I also need to take the most enourmous shit.

early 90s Queen Margaret Student Union, Glasgow.

a message from Johnny Anger

"'...after I came back from the show I rolled a huge doob,went into the bathroom and smoked it while I dropped major man-turds into the shitbowl.Wow! The sensation of being high while I eliminated wastes from my fucking body was the shit(pardon the pun!).I looked at my 3 thick messy shitrolls in the toilet and thought 'wow that came out of me,its part of me.I know its shit,but if it came out of me then how could it be bad?' I understood how a woman must feel after shes given birth.Would you flush your child down the toilet? No. And I vowed to never flush my waste down the toilet again! So I filled up my bathtub with my 'children',I would play with them,talk with them and just be there for them.Soon, I realized that our relationship wasn't that of father and child, it was beyond all conventional relationships...I was in love with my own feces.Often when one is in love,one does not feel complete without consummating the relationship...I took my shit and shaped and molded it into a crude lower half of a female.A few cuts and slashes with a knife and soon I had carved a pussy(vagina) into my 'shitwoman' and we had our honeymoon...please remember that you have no right to judge me.You have the right to kill me but not to judge me."

Ecstacy Song

I've seen you swimming
and I want to fake it

but it was a reflection
and I know I can make it

we are all just visitors
nice to be here twice

I'm teasin'
the kick is pleasin'
but administer to the lack lustre
coz my brain buster

is shining from beyond
a dazzling moonlit pond

its the answer to a question
"how can I dance forever?"

written 1997

Intro/For me/For you

INTRO

Conduct the dropout phase print
A style of two princes natch
Phone off the hook
A comedown precursor
This is about reality buddy
My cascade okay
Then slope the pimp roll
Stroll control be bold

FOR ME

When your finger is on hold
There are forces at work
And you'll never grow old
Fine child in a prism you'll glance
Crumble torture house blues
Emotions are strong before the bomb
Cheesy grins after a hugged embrace

FOR YOU

Magnetic ecstacy at the headstrong portal
Crisp lager and shouts
A resounding denial of worth
Bass clatter drum melody 3D fade out
A drizzle sun rainbow wind calm
Is of the factor
The warmth between olders and youngers

written 1997

In the sequence of time and motion

In the sequence of time and motion
a stone is cast
And crevasse cracks a benign field form rips
Rent across and an eyelash back
Elephantine memory of the protein valve
The thorax squeaks cheery waves to a man
And moon dust thrives when the door knocks come
Grinning faces and a wide spectacle slips the tag
Collapse ashes Oh to stack more on
A nerve quake and quivering bleached bones
Remembering reveries Tree stump forever
Do or die the cry of my psychic whiplash
Enigma speech and I'm thrilled to wake weary

Voodoo trench coat cats tail wander
Tree branch owl on a back flight prey hunt megamission
The bones of mice in its shit
Television mist breakdown
Tulips from...
A spoon full of.....
Brown girl in the.

Tra la la la la


written 1997

hello dere

Hallo Joseph Tonmore,
I trust ye are keepin' well,
with yr goode womane beside ye at all thymes.
I frankenly be incensed by the mardy myrhhh.
And be driven almost to blindnesse in whipping the
stonybridge milestone.
Thanking numerous incandescent heavenly bodies
that predicaments are not further seriousnessed for all
of usses and our otherses.
May paths ways crossed by sunshine ingottes be.
Adieu dear frende and tille we have sightinges bold and berry.
Quickening thyme does not allowe the pleasures of ages,
thoughe crackes of light and the glow of splendour can
be sighted and pursued wherever they are ablest.
Beste be to yrs and yr neighbours.
James Kinge.