GAG

GAG

Spanner Otoole - My Second Life Name

Here I am in my first sojourn into the
wonderfully surreal experience that is Second Life,
I wholeheartedly suggest you try this out if you have
a good enough comp. Mine is pretty old, yet it still works so most of you should
have no trouble. It is a fascinating "place" filled with intrigueing architecture
and objects that do things and people of course.

Random Gentle Love Dreamer

Ha, ha, this is uncannily accurate

Boy Next Door
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDm)

Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet.

We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what.

On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold.

More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not.

Your exact opposite:
The 5-Night Stand
Deliberate Brutal Sex Master

ALWAYS AVOID: The Nymph

CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, The Peach


My profile name: hi_matt

Bastardized Version of Frere Jacques

I just found this while browsing the Gabcast directory
and it tickled me.

Gabcast! charli's original songs #1

dweller's new mobi-blog

mob photo blog.

Its pretty boring so far!

this phone will be the death of me

I just signed up for a mobile contract and
got rid of the old black and white simple nokia thang.
Now I've been thrust into the space age tho not quite to
3G levels.

I've been downloading every web app I can find for it and
a tonne of games - well tetris , breakout and sokoban the three great essentials.

Within 3 days of having this blasted thing, I've set up
google talk instant messaging, listened to online radio (pretty bad app), tried out a sort of shitty google earth thing.
Submitted photos to an Opera mobi-blog thing.

But my latest "find" may be the best yet 'cause I like the concept.
Take four snaps in a row to make a story board. Give your story a title and a caption and then upload to the web.
It appears on the glogger website

Here is my first "just testing the goods" attempt.

my glogger feed

I imagine there is an art to this.
You are restricted by the format.
It seems almost like a rule of poetics.
4 snaps, title, caption.
Make something that just captures the scene.

I know I know, probably by tomorrow
I'll be on to some other new fad;
must remember not to put all my xml in one basket.

dweller's new podcast - the sound of tulips

During the soulsapping..I-mean-enhancing..
podcast conference the other weekend I promised my
fellow devotees (yeah right) that I would attempt a spoken word podcast.
So using the tips from my favourite podcaster she behind
"3 things" I scraped together 3 things to talk about and
spoke over a soundtrack I'd previously created using the
wonderful ableton live software.

If you want to know anything about "3 things", podcast conferences or Ableton Live you'll have to google them as the only links
I'm going to provide are to the blog URL and feed URL of this
new spoken word podcast wot I made.

The Sound of Tulips Feedburner link

The Sound Of Tulips Blogspot link


Oh yeah and If you haven't been listening to my awesome
music-mix podcast Child Without an Ipod, then please visit and listen and then subscribe. Here>>>>

child without an ipod

podcasting vs youtube

This post is in reply to one from a post headed
"Podcast Downloading Up Over 70% in Last Six Months"

You may want to read that post first to make sense of my reply,
or not...anyway the following was my reply to that post.

Sure,
But if you asked people did you go and watch a youtube video
today then more than 1% will say yes.
The other question is that yes itunes may have sucked down
a new episode of a podcast, but how many episodes that
are downloaded are subsequently actually listened to.
I think many podcasters think “oh yeah I have this many subscribers” but you know, how many of your bookmarks do you check on a regular basis. Like all internet use I think podcast listeners will subscribe to many and then hone it down to a few favourite regular lsitens. This doesn’t mean they’ll unsubscribe to those they ignore, thus inflating the believed listener figures of the podcasters.

To be honest, although the podcast is a really great medium for radio fans,
I don’t believe it’ll have nearly as large impact as the “fun” one stop social networks that include the massively expanding youtube.
The fact that youtube is a place where people are now replying by video to a video that is posing a question and asking for replies shows the powerful and compelling quality of “everyone is a producer and a reader/viewer”. Podcasting as a medium is more like the interesting loner who lives in a shack in the woods who you go to to hear words of wisdom. He aint at the party where you all let your hair down.

google home page

Yes, I know I'm way way way
behind the times.

I just discovered the delights of the google homepage.
Intuitively and sleekly designed;
This has got to be one of the best ever features google have
come up with.

I now have my clock (not essential - will probably go to make room for something else)
The weather (you know us Brits are obsessed with that)
The "to do list" yes yes yes I love this one.
My google calender - the calender I filled out elsewhere is
now right on my homepage.
Movies - all the local films a click away (I don't go much but I hope to force myself)
Babelfish - I'm always translating stuff - now I just click "home"
Top Stories - Just in case we get the 4 minute warning.

Thats it for now, but I like very much and you can add a tab for games or other categories of timewasting or useful shit.
Most cool indeed.

Right thats my geek crack fully inhaled for the day.
Ah yeah!!

Critic of Putin poisoned in London

thanks to moneymad.org

Steven Wright revisited

You can never get enough Steven Wright and I don't
mean "wrighty" the moustachioed radio dj who
always had a guaranteed laugh from his instudio paid posse.
No I mean the deep voiced genius from across the pond.
Here are some of his choice one liners that I picked up
from another webpage somewhere. You've probably already read these
if you just googled Steven Wright.
Nevertheless they will always bear repeating.
That is the beauty of Steven Wrights work.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

myspace is yourspace and yourspace is myspace

Tenacious LSD

David Shrigley is a Cunt

There, I just had to say it.
Feels better.

And Francis Gallagher
please send me another copy of Fuck Scotland.
Someone made off with mine.

I am not done with my changes

Some poet or other said that.

Time to switch off and slow down

Time to switch off and slow down
By Kevin Anderson
BBC News website



The audience at the conference bristled with hi-tech gadgets
At a hi-tech conference bristling with bloggers constantly checking messages on Blackberries, smartphones, laptops and handheld computers, it is odd to hear a speaker suggest an e-mail free day.
But journalist Carl Honor�told attendees of the TED conference in Oxford they should unplug and slow down in a world that was stuck in fast- forward.
And for a wired world accustomed to having nearly unlimited information and the boundless choices of online shopping, it seems almost heretical to suggest that the infinite possibilities of the modern world leave us less satisfied instead of more.
But author Barry Schwartz told the conference that it was better when we had only a few choices of salad dressing instead of the 175 at his local supermarket.

'Roadrunner culture'
We live in a world where instant gratification is not fast enough, in a world of not only speed dating, but even of speed yoga, said Mr Honor�.
The author of In Praise of Slowness decided to decelerate after he found himself speed reading bedtime stories to his son.

the sound of tulips

This is my early attempt at what I guess could be called
an audio blog.
Circa 2000/2001
Spontaneous verbage.
I reduced the quality of the audio for slow modem users.
It starts with the embedded realplayer at the bottom of the page.

Click HERE to check it out.
Sometimes it takes a few seconds for this page to load up so
please be patient.

my inner soul pain (2001)

[This was written in 2001]

My inner soul pain part one.
Am I ignoring the wrongness in my current state?
Is this a bad place to be?
No, but you are seeking always a distraction.
You are not following a shining path and seeing the good in everything. When things are well you feel that behind every frown is a inner loving purpose.

Are my communications on this level being restricted by my own lack of strong positive passionate feelings?
My feelings are held back because they include a sense of ending and tragedy that has become associated directly with me. So my current state of not knowing what to do, or even seeking to find out what I want to do is like I am having a parallel ending. Something good has ended in my family; therefore I feel something good has ended within me. My awareness, my ability to be creative, my sense of knowingness of happy laissez-faire. I have become more serious. When I wake up in the morning there is nothing to look forward to. Everything is seen as a means to regaining something that I have lost. That is the constant subject matter. Its all about remembering when I felt mythical and special within my life. Instead of mundane and blank covering up a weeping sadness.
But then I ask myself “Is that the truth?”
Is it sadness and grief that is causing me trouble?
Well I previously experienced that my crying and missing was a very personal connection with mum, and myself. It felt sad but good, because I was able to make present our entire connection with one another in moments of tearful emotion.
Then I have had dreams of mum being ill, which were more disturbing. But they did not bring down my following day.
I have quite recently gone into crying for my mum in a more desperate way as I have been feeling ill and dizzy at work and home and have been feeling a bit liverish. However I do know that this liverishness can put a really dark fork in your tongue, where you vent your spleen by saying really spiteful things. Your bitter and twisted words to your friends, a lazy result of the aching organ/mind interface. So perhaps this has put a taint on the grieving communication between me and mum.
I think this could be true because after not drinking for a while, I have had some pleasant dreams with mum and me in the back garden. She is smiling and involved in our decision making whilst doing up the flat.

So as an experiment, it may be wise to go fairly teetotal for a while and just see how that goes. I think if the liverishness goes, then so my communications with others and my grief process will become purer, and I will have less regretful mornings and evenings.
The problem with my days is that I feel guilty, that I am not doing the right thing at all times. There is a sense that if I listen to the radio, go shopping, go to the library, muck around on my computer, then that is time badly spent and that I should be organizing something in greencroft, either housework, DIY or organizing my belongings for the big move. A sense of guilt for wasting time, because somehow time is so precious and that every second is a golden opportunity lost. And that if you engage in these wasteful activities then these are acts of a depressed character who is avoiding the positive movement forward, the way you should be going. And this philosophy of wastefulness is being drummed into me by my sister.
She has an amazing ability to make all her actions within a day be “the right thing to be doing”, but by her perfection, my imperfection is implied. I think this is having a negative effect on my ability to feel confidence in my own ability to have control over my own actions. Somehow my decisions over what I do are split into good right thinking decisions, and bad depressed wasteful decisions. Now the more I am told this is true the more I am being asked to believe it is true, the more it becomes true. But I see my ways of being are being caricatured by this analysis. I am being pressured into thinking that there is something wrong with me. I personally think that our idiosyncratic ways of being if left in tact are part of the makeup of being an individual. I think that a constant critique of that makeup can undermine and have a depressing effect on that individual, especially when it comes from close family.
But at the moment we have to work together on this Greencroft project. It is this that has led to this conflict and this sense of wrongness within me. Also undeniably my grieving is not over and I do need to put myself in a nurturing environment, for a while, much in the same way that I Instinctively did after my hepatitis bout. I would like to think that my character is strong enough and not undermined. That I will be able to find my self again, after this unwelcome but necessary partnership.

But I am not really looking for past Headstates in a regretful manner. My next stage of headyness will I’m sure be just as illuminating as those that have gone before. I will not look at my past as some rosy unrepeatable time. And that all is grayer from now on. I shall endeavor to be a active volcano, a starry night, a double rainbow, a series of fleeting wonders, a net of gusty breezes, a light dancing man, a free free thing smiling at the weeds in the tarmac. Therein lies my way, not this way of organizing rent, moving into an apartment and doing a mindless 9to5 and catching the tube. I cannot be the person I find most compatible with me in those surroundings and circumstances. I have to admit to myself that this is true, and see it as a fine thing. It is a fine thing to be the one who opens up your channels and lets you experience and thrive and create and love and explore and sing and dance. To be that one is easy if you spend the time to examine in this way. Every glass of water is a reminder of this knowledge. It will soon be time to put my earthly things to one side once again, and to venture forth as a light light being. See how the years have changed my abilities and my perspective see what will become. Intrigueing, exciting wondrous times ahead. How fantastic, the sights I shall see, the skies I will be beneath. The seas I will swim in. The earth and birds insects, and mammals, and reptiles, amphibians, fish and marsupials.
And human beings with something to share.

Its official: URANUS is no longer a planet

It is just a Greek joke.

URANUS : The deity from Greek Mythology

"URANUS: Great primeval God of the Sky. Born of GAIA, the Earth, he covered the world in the form of a vast bronze dome and ruled over everything.

Taking GAIA to wife, he impregnanted her with many children but was not prepared to deal with the consequences. In fact he was terrified of the monstrous brood of TITANS forming inside her and threatened terrible reprisals should they ever pop out.

GAIA, wanting to protect her children, kept them inside herself as long as she could, but pretty soon the pain was unbearable. Relief only came when their youngest son CRONUS stepped in. Or rather, popped out.

Armed with a sickle, he lopped off URANUS's... er, well, let's not go into details. Suffice to say that URANUS was cut off in his prime and CRONUS took over as supreme being.

Helpful note: URANUS is pronounced with the stress on the first and last syllable: Ur-a-Nus. This helps to avoid further embarrassment."

Matt's Fuck You Video #1

It could have been anyone,
she just happened to be on the box.
The daft fagsmokin' burger munchin' trollop.
We loves you really.

kill newage chain emails

I've created a chain email to say to all those new age freeks that we are
sick and tired of their wisdomails they keep on posting. If you agree with
me then please mail this on. The email body starts here...

Sick and tired of those endless "feel good", "positive vibes", newage chain
emails that get sent around the world endlessly in order to make people feel
that they are in touch with some greater intuitive meaning, purpose or
whatever beyond the mundane lives they live?
They always have a selfrighteous air about them, as if to say that if we do
not agree with their endless glib aphorisms, then we aren't living in a
spiritually pure way. It is assumed that we appreciate these little
reminders of  'who we really are' in our inbox. Well think again,
   If you are fed up with the unimaginative, "moral blackmail" vibe of these
emails then please add your name to the list below and forward this to as
many others as you like. Feel free to add your own comments to this mail but
please don't alter the original text. Lets see how far this baby travels.
     Yours mattyk mattyk ...@hotmail.com
(If on the other hand you love receiving those angelic messages of light
then please pray for our souls and ignore the message.)

FUCK WISDOM EMAILS
1. MATT KING, LONDON, UK.
2.
3.

Things I Don't Remember - Ugly Cassanova

Things I Don't Remember - Ugly Cassanova

never mind the music ,
this is a very creative video which Freud would've enjoyed I'm sure.

Bob Dylan without an eye

Just listening to Dylan's radio show.
The theme this week is "eyes".

It is as usual a fantastic show.
Unfortunately at the final hurdle
Bob makes a tragic error and plays
"dry your eyes" by The Streets.
Surely the worst Streets track by far,
and I don't even like the rest of them.
If it was me, I'd have played
"a pair of brown eyes" by The Pogues.
What would you have replaced the dreadful
Streets with, given half a chance?
Bob needs to know,
and so do I.

Bob Dylan -- Theme Time Radio Hour Episode 15, 'Eyes'

01. Brown Eyed Handsome Man - Chuck Berry
02. 20/20 Vision - Jimmy Martin
03. Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison
04. My Blue Eyed Jane - Jimmy Rogers
05. She Winked Her Eye - Gatemouth Brown
06. Spanish Eyes - Al Martino
07. Keep An Eye On Love - Ernestine Anderson
08. Eyeballing - Chuck Higgins
09. Brown Eyes - Blue Sky Boys
10. Eyesight To The Blind - Sonny Boy Wilkinson
11. Tell Me My Lying Eyes Are Wrong - George Jones
12. Raging Eyes - Nick Lowe
13. Bloodshot Eyes - Wynonie 'Mr Blues' Harris
14. I Still Miss Someone - Johnny Cash
15. I Only Have Eyes For You - The Flamingos
16. Dry Your Eyes - The Streets

Bogdan Raczynski review

I've just discovered the best reviewer at Rateyourmusic

I was looking for reviews of Bogdan Raczynski,
an incredible elctronic music artist.

I found a review written by someone called technic.

"Rephlex retirement castel, Whales, 2056.


We are the discarded aged of a retirement castel.
We are unpredictable and vulnerable.
We are there because we are a danger for ourselves.
We have ingurgitate everything: XTC, Acid, LSD, urban noises, flashes of light, electromagnetic fields and cellular phones. Humming basses and reactors ended up affecting our neurons.
Definitively.
We mainline tranquillizers and anti Parkinsonian, we suffer from facial spasms and agitation. Furniture get distorded until they look like Tokyo streets and our clothes get beat against our sides, like a brutal and forced breathing. Our conscience is like a grand hotel revolving door, turning on and projecting us chopped sights from the street. Reflections are chaotic and disturbing... Need... to... sloooow... down... aaaaaaaaaaaa ..........liiiiiiitle ...
A little ride on a merry-go-round and colored diodes will hypnotize us like a Christmas carol.

Where is the nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurse?!!
I can't see him!

He turn a potentiometer located in my cranium with rage and rapture...
Those frequencies... Too much noises... A drum is knocking curtly, a metal skeleton is grating with difficulty, something goes of, then, the silence: someone next to me has changed the channel.

I want this remote control!!!

Music is relaxing and I hear the tide. We need this to calm down, even though everything get fucked up, sometimes and mess again. As if "Kays tool" was pummeling my grey matter in a speeded-up way. I am a modeling clay beated up by percussions and I will blow up if you don't stop to zap!!
I think I hear mice under the floor. Or maybe it's just this ridiculous cartoon: an electric and sliced manga with exaggerate mimics, cut with slow motions and rush sequences. And the mouses don't stop scratching furiously! They're hitting the floor so fastly that the echoes spread in the whole room sounds like ecstatic.

Come! Hurry! It's time for pills."

That is the kind of review I can connect with.

new blogger beta

I've tried this out.
But having read some scary stories of
lost blogs and losing the ability to post on the
blogger usenet group, I've decided to wait before I migrate
this blog to the new blogger setup.

However, I created a new blog and I really like the new features.
The built in templates are easily changed now.
There is a GUI for changing colour, font and fontsize of all text and backgrounds. This works really well with an instant preview at the bottom of the pag.
When logged into your google account you can
get to "new post" or "settings" just by clicking on the blogger bar at the top of your blogspot page.
Moving from one page to another within the blogger app is much quicker. I hope this is going to be a much smoother online operation than we've been used to with blogger.
So going back and editing a post, or adding tags you forgot (new feature) isn't a chore.
There is an option to add new link sections to your blog (plus I think a few others I haven't explored), so it is easy to create separate sections for "Daily Reads", "My other blogs" or whatever category or subsection you want.

One of the templates I tried out gives archives in a nested way. You click on year and the months appear, click on a month and the days appear. You may like that, I thought it was a bit pointless,
but maybe good to keep a large blog tidy.

One major fault I found was with the new permissions option.
I gave permission for only one other "guest" to have access to my blog. However not only couldn't the guest google account see my blog, neither could the author google account see my blog. Luckily I could switch the settings back. This is a good new feature for
those who want to share a blog with just family and friends. I'm sure they'll sort it soon enough.

Overall, I'm looking forward to migrating my blogs over to the
new format, but I'm gonna wait a while until the scary "lost blog"
stories subside.

here is my silly new blog

gladiolus

Yeah the gladiolus is a flower
from South Africa.

It is now a stonking hardbeat chicago house
monster with guitar licks by dweller.

Listen HERE

with thanks to shiptonblog

Myra Breckinridge wrote this

I like the devilish look in your eye. I like speaking for mere moments and suddenly feeling the comfort of a long past. I love hidden languages, the excitement of passions, and finding those to gush about them with. I like looking at the curve of the muscle, especially the insanely beautiful curves in a Herb Ritts photograph. I like when eyes meet in surprise over a wonderful bottle of wine. I love to hear moans over the bite of a perfect piece of cheese. I like downing a table of shots and dancing the night away. I love to caress the smooth edges of a paperback book. I like to make wild animals run up to me. I like new discoveries, whether a new place, or a song I never realized the beauty of. I love all the passions that bring me new likes every day.

Guten Abend

Deine Fuhrer hier.
Was ist los?
Nur ein Bissen.
Got sei dank fur dat.

Yes you see I have a see saw.
A break wind cursor streak.
Jugular Tyburn clank.
An enormity of Ursulas.
Minor freak wit.
Labial tides of green ooze from the plug sockets.
(and that bit is real)

Glass in hand , turning your cheeks.
Mable is that you Mable?
Tawny brain time.
I drank some mint tea with honey again.
Hopefully we won't all get murdered by random
rogue electrons. But the vibrations are heightening.
No Haight Ashbury San Francisco Ribbon Girls here,
no matter how many late 60s obscurities I download
onto my ArgosPod.

I have fungi and butterflies by my side
thanks to The Guardian. Covers a dreary wardrobe.
Fancy a bit of Russula violeipes anyone?

There is a vicar on a rooftop in camden,
he's up there for ten days and shitting in a bucket,
I kid you not. I read his diary in the Camden New Journal.
As well as raising money for roof repairs he is getting a good
perspective on the scummy nightlife of those sticky vomit piss and blood drenched paves. Read his diary here
a night on the tiles

A BBC lipreading expert read the lips of the Italian player
who Zidane Billy-Butted. They reckon he said he hoped Zidane's family died a horrible death. At the moment ZZ's mum is quite ill.
Bit close to home.
Take that!

Gadzooks

Did I go somewhere?
Did something happen?

I screen name is my privacy/ ok / allowed / unfair

Justice is Might

JIM

My Jim / Jism

Clangers in bang lids shocker

golly

by

James Dean was a twat

I'll slick it
will you?

Girls On Film

GOFOG

or the guts explode

the stomach acid is rising
the raw aesophagal tract is
burning just for you my
dainty lover
my sweet drooping flower
petal
knockers
crack
round things
hair
eyes
hair is good
but not too much
twiddlesticks
fiddlers and bows
again and again
so much sunlight at dawns crack
but the gut with pizza clogs
the neckfull
the dry and full the arms free
index fingers outstreched like body antenna
lined up the shoulder in
perfect symmetry the spine and head
these empty arms
in the centre my digestive tract
eat it all up
in a rush
index fingers feel more they are
picking up the pipes of peace
they register
they aim to feed but the mouth is clumsy
it is the devourer
we don't photosynthesize
nor do we reproduce in the conventional monkey way

so what gives?
nothing
no morning milk bottles
no sir sireeee
consume it crap it
baby are you one?
you can't always get the twonk

the golden turd awaits
I love you my darling
these arms of mine

Not Dead Yet

No still here,
Ol Wispy.
In the sun where life is much much worse,
and I'm still hungry.

Ta da!!!

That was the rabbit out of hat.
But you couldn't see.
I'm good at tricks.
Sawing women in half.
Stopping people from talking in their tracks.
Various twisted subliminal tricks I get away
with with a big smile and the fact I rarely realise
that I am doing them.
It's the devil I tells ya.
Jesus and the Deal.
That's who we are dealing with.
The eternal internal fisticuffs tween
Good Choir Boys ANd fILTHY mC tWIST pRIESTS

Knowing this and that deceit is
part of the Desmond Morris school of completely
normal human behaviour.
We musn't feel guilty about our tricksy selfinterested
movments.
Cause those smiles and winks and hugs do do
some good even though we are but devils in disguise.

Panic Attack

lie down on the pavement
and clutch your chest,
DIE DIE DIE,
drink die smoke die
death comes soon
PANIC hah aha haha ha a
PANIC
PANIC woo whwooo woooo
PANIC

that's it really,

just y'know smoke another
pure superskunk amsterdam spliff,
you'll feel much better hah ahh ahh ahha
your throat is constricting, you cannot breathe
you throat has tightened ,,
no more air
no ..... more...... air ggraggahhshhgh choke choke
retch retch,
now you have shrunk to the size of a pinhead in
the corner of the room the whole universe is weighing in on you

everyone notices that you are fucked
they tell each other
" he is totally fucked man, what should we do?"
"ah he'll be okay, get him a can of coke"

some more recent reads

books I've started,
but may not have finished
in no particular order

Click on my face and tell me that you love me

Masochistic tendencies?
See if people like clicking all over YOUR face.

I don't expect to survive long,
I think the cleavage shots have the upper hand...

Wine flowed in a canal again

I got satan's pillow under my ass
I held a candle to Clarissa's eye
I undervarnished the clove bar.
I jackled with rangling flissarns in kleptovelt.
I cycled freearm in nordic telescope range
I heard french wedding bells echo underground
I opened gleaming hardshells slime slipping at the rockpool
I juiced a nectar berry at the sunrise festival
I gathered young standin Elvises sweating with nerves
I lunched with a bearhug giver in the palladium cafe
I collapsed the card house at osinac
I rowed the galleon and nursed the brute's whip scars
I ordered seven courses of lemming pie
I smashed pantalooon circus helmets with an appreciative giggle
Wine flowed in a canal again.

Yacht Rock (ok so it's a bandwagon)

I must spread the word of this very very funny
internet-based series of videos.

See Kenny Loggins, Michael McDonald, Toto, Hall and Oates
and more as you never imagined before.
Laugh your head off as the history of the smoothest music
ever put to tape is lovingly revealed.

If you're a bit of a dumbass, remember to start with episode
one at the bottom of the page

Yacht Rock at Channel 101

say these phrases out loud and change your life

Here is the deal.
I want YOU, dear reader, to choose one or more of these
phrases writ here below.
I want you to go out and drop one of them into
a conversation or just blurt it out randomly
in the bus queue or wherever.
Try to add a little expresiveness when you say it.
Why, you may ask, should I want to do a daft thing like that?
Well, I would reply, because it could crack a hole in the mundane
shell and allow Blakean reveries safe passage into our realm
where they can practice great Karmic magic, help to raise
conciousness of our higher purpose , that being
to feed our collective godhead through sublime fits of ecstatic hysteria.
This is the antidote to war.
Come on do it!!
You might have fun too ;-)

1. I couldn't give a nun's crispy cunt what you think.

2. I'd rather eat a wet sandwich.

3. Would you like to see my collection of butchers hooks?

4. I'd trot a pony up Highbury Fields for ha'penny.

5. We sent blind Alf Hang-gliding.

6. Twenny kilo of copper bolts for the pressure cooker please luv.

7. Howz about a drizzling o' hot suet in yer furry leotard?

8. I'd swap a dozen hairlip albinos for a cucumber.

9. I'd slide a fiver through the gates of Timbuktu for that.

Def Jam

Def Jam,

Here is my Rap I am writing on the spot,
Universal lines spreading from the one dot,
Clean out your cupboards lads I can't stand the grot,
If you turn around I find your hips quite hot,
Or do you have the shapely thighs your mother lent you
Do you have the laddered tights your aunty dreamt you
Do you have the bits of apple clinging to your teeth
Do you have an old marks and sparks voucher from 1981
In your mother's leather purse in that tray of old papers,
Smells of stale consulate and solicitors office dust,
Claim I never knew whats happening
Claim I never knew whats happening,
Dirty dirty filth slag hate bitch whine,
Your arse their cunt all in the passage of time,.

I remember the days of Earth Wind and Fire,
Nasty gold costumes and the music was so dire,
But even then the clogs of kellogs boxes in the bins,
Read the back and listen to Wogan mornings of hidden sin,
The throat is quiet words are notably absent,
All the lies are stacking up and telepathy gates are opened,
A child has an eye to replace the ears that cannot comprehend,
But now this child he has no eye for it let far too much in,
Switch out the sun what do you expect a pleasant dawning?
Get real ya monkeys,
its a crackerjack cabbage in your hands forever!!!!!!!

26 miles in a high speed wheelchair

I just met this guy Shaho Qadir at work today.
His is an amazing story.
He had his legs blown off after a chemical attack by Saddam Hussein's forces in Kurdish Iraq when he was 13 years old.
Later on he managed to escape his troubled homeland and
made it to the UK in the back of a truck.

He has worked with disabled children,
as a volunteer mentor for a blind refugee and
he has raced in the London marathon in his wheelchair.
He is training to race this April in both the Paris and London
marathons.

Read more about his story here

watch a video of him in action here

His latest ambition is to work to develop British Disability Gymnastics, helping to build it into
a sport that could eventually be accepted in the paralympic games.

Good Luck Shaho!!!

fun fun fun on the autobahn

so little chiclets,
pieces of gum,
hands on the tum,
expand and contracts,
wave and swerve,
bang your chi gong,
splash the toilet bowl,
and ring its chiming chinese porcelain neck,

lyon barcelona auf der autobahn

ga gag agag budapest hamburg

autobahn autobahn

ba ba ba ba ba ba abba ba aba bba
tra lal atra latrat later

take the turkey train next the line is straight,
fill the lake fill it up,
where the tiny pieces of rainbow coloured mosaic,
lie beneath the drowned land ,
take the turkey train train train,
hold the hose,
let the water out and washing away the silty sand,
the pictures appear, in colours all rainbow colours,
move the hose around , here they come the shining
bright floors of yore,
now go goodbye, pack up your home,
this hosing cleanse has become a dangerous flood,
take the turkey train,
your home just died, pack it up in your little bag,
and get on the train....

Venturer 40GB bargain iPod killer

I didn't want to pay for an overpriced iPod,
but I needed a high storage capacity mp3 player.
Trust Argos to come to the rescue.
It may be as ugly as sin, but this baby set me back
£89 for 40GB of memory.
Plug it into USB and you see a removable harddisk,
drag and drop files as you will.
Okay so it doesn't have a good playlist facility and
its functionality is basic. Sometimes it skips past certain tracks and there is the odd bug or two.
But it didn't cost much,
it fits in my pocket, just about, and I don't have to look
like an iPod sheep on the bus.
So there we go.
Take my advice, if you are not fussy, go and get one.
They're great.

Venturer 40GB mp3 player.
Available from Argos. £89.00

Big Up Ye Turnips

Yah Yah Yah
Woo Ha
Woo Ha
Yah Yah yAH

Sniff me and pass out.

Stiff Stiff Stiff in the wind
I'm Stiff Stiff in the wind
I'm Raw , I'm Raw, can you feel my Raw?

Well actually, Mr Digby, I'm not quite sure what you're getting at.
Would you like another French Fancy?

Ah tash and darn and crimple it MaryBethJoAnn Juniper benchpress
turtle polish wood enamel fridge.
I wanna BEIGE you up.
Father Brown I'm in love with your toga,
yeah the one that you wear in the windmill.
Course she always said that I'd be the lucky one.
The old luck always shone on me.,
Like blessings from a duck
golden nuggets of luck plopping in my
garden pond, growing a tail, legs and arms
whoops there it goes just jumped off that lily leaf.
Catch the pidgeon Giles, there may be a message strapped to
its leg.
Now where was eye, thats right , pancake mixture,
just get some old popeye paste, you know kneed in some of
the old Olive Oyle, ooooo errrrr ooooooo eerrrrrrr
thats yr basic pancake batter sorted ,
then to add the mixture, scratch those bits of flakes
out of yr eyelashes, these are made out of mindreading
eyelash mite droppings. Completely harmless, but full of
protein and quite tasty when fried.
so the pasty paste is mixed up and oh sod it
I made it all up. I dunno how to make pancakes.
Give me a turnip and I'll carve a shit face into it.
That's as much as I can do.
What you have Pumpkins at Halloween?
We use turnips mate, yeah , you fuckin ponce,
little turnips are what you need.
Much spookier and all.

the continental cafe

the continental cafe
Get a coffee, a soft drink, some food.
Cigarettes out
Quiet boys mope on a table of their own
Why are you reading a newspaper?
It's too early to absorb boring news.
Some Soft Metal fan had stuck several pounds in the jukebox.
LIVING MARXISM Why IS politics so boring?
I'm tired I need another coffee
Go on mate roll yourself a fag
It looks really good
The Food Factory in red neon
What a crap roll up
May he forever swallow tobbacco
I wish I was that bloke next to me
Asleep in his folded arms.
Why is he sleeping?
Did he have a late night?
Or does that Daily Express laid out neatly before him hold the
answer?
KLF now playing
Long haired guy with leather jacket is doing the nervous knee tap.
These Scots don't tan very well,
They've had 4 consecutive days of sun.
I have to leave soon.
The clouds of smoke are irritating my nose.
I also need to take the most enourmous shit.

early 90s Queen Margaret Student Union, Glasgow.

a message from Johnny Anger

"'...after I came back from the show I rolled a huge doob,went into the bathroom and smoked it while I dropped major man-turds into the shitbowl.Wow! The sensation of being high while I eliminated wastes from my fucking body was the shit(pardon the pun!).I looked at my 3 thick messy shitrolls in the toilet and thought 'wow that came out of me,its part of me.I know its shit,but if it came out of me then how could it be bad?' I understood how a woman must feel after shes given birth.Would you flush your child down the toilet? No. And I vowed to never flush my waste down the toilet again! So I filled up my bathtub with my 'children',I would play with them,talk with them and just be there for them.Soon, I realized that our relationship wasn't that of father and child, it was beyond all conventional relationships...I was in love with my own feces.Often when one is in love,one does not feel complete without consummating the relationship...I took my shit and shaped and molded it into a crude lower half of a female.A few cuts and slashes with a knife and soon I had carved a pussy(vagina) into my 'shitwoman' and we had our honeymoon...please remember that you have no right to judge me.You have the right to kill me but not to judge me."